1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
