I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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