If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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