update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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