at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
