I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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