there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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