Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
