I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
