"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
