Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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