bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
