I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize