Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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