you traded sex for a burrito?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
