Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
