i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
