They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
