He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
