Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
