How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pants are for mortals
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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