i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
