he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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