Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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