How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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