the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you inspire me to be a worse person
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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