I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize