why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
