clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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