Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i think i just lost a toe
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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