i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize