I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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