He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize