My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
