Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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