i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
