I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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