All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
