I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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