I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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