handjob tips. give me some.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
