what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
