do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
