Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize