You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
