I wannas sexs uuuuu
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
