Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
