Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
