Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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