The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
