Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
