Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
