i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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