Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
