be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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