when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
