So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
