i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He felt like a one man threesome
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is Oprah even human
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
