I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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