Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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