god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
