I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
