Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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