I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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