Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize