So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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