dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
