looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
