I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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