when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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