my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
