So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
