the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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