His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
