Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have tasted many bathrooms
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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