Your mouth is God's brothel.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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